Lillies, Vol. 1

Lillies, Vol. 1

6:00AM. The first light of the new day began to show in the night sky, like a patchwork quilt of blues and oranges. We lay under an oak tree in a public park. The low hum of the afterparty reverberated throughout the air. We had all had one drink too many tonight.

 I had my hands tucked under Lily's blouse, over her stomach. Her hair smelt of whiskey, her neck of tobacco.

'This is perfect' she said.

'Mmh' I agreed, giving her stomach a soft squeeze.

'I wish this moment would last forever.'

I smiled. 'I'd quite like a shower.'

We lay there for a moment, watching the teenagers in the opposite field.

'Oh look!' she said, pointing into the distance. 'They're kissing.'

I took my hands and covered her eyes. 'Stop looking, you pervert.'

She giggled, wriggling free. 'Maybe it's their first.'

 We lay there for a moment, staring at the stars in the sky.

'Do you remember your first kiss?' she asked. I paused. It felt so long ago.

'It was a Tinder date. I was so happy about it, I missed my train home.'

Lily laughed. 'Mine was at a party sometime in Lower Sixth. I was so excited I couldn't fall asleep that night. I hardly remember his name now.'

''It's amazing we cared about such stupid, little things,' I say. A moment passed.

''What do you care about now?' she asks, taking my hand in hers.

I open my mouth, but no words come out. I could feel the cold air flow down my throat and into my lungs.

I open my mouth again. 'You.'

Lily smiles. 'Correct answer' she says and I smirk, sitting up a little straighter.

I look down at her eyes, expecting them to be closed to the cold, but they were wide open, looking back at mine.

They were unblinking like crystals. It was a look I had become familiar with. It was a look I first saw when I turned up at her door with ice cream when she was sick. It was a look she gave me when I cared for her mother, and it was a look I saw when she had heard that she had died. It was a look I saw the first time we fought, the first time we had sex, the first time I told her I loved her.

It was a look of surprise. Sometimes pleasant, and sometimes not. In those moments I knew that reality had shattered a part of the world that she lived in, inside her own head.

'I've not existed forever' she says, her gaze still on me. 'What did you want, before me.'

I hesitate. I feel my heart quicken, and my throat tighten. I feel the trees listening to us.

'A partner.' I say. She continues to look at me. The wind blows past us and I smell the alcohol on her tongue.

'Someone to hold. Someone to wake up next to. Someone to wade through the sea of shit that is life with.'

Lily lowers her gaze. She rests her head on my chest, holding tightly onto my hands.

'Keep going.'

I sigh. 'I've never felt comfortable with life. I feel safest when I'm by myself. But even I get lonely sometimes. And I wish someone was there with me. But I've never met someone who felt the same way. It's like life doesn't bother them as much.'

I stop myself. I don't ever say these thoughts aloud. 'I've always put the blame on me.' I start. 'Like I don't have skin that's thick enough. Like what I want is unnatural. And so I just go with the flow of things. '

'What do you mean?'

'Played along with others. Kept it casual, I guess.'

'That's not what you really want'

'No. I've always wanted more'

'More?'

'Something... something more certain.'

Lily sits up. She's smiling, her eyes filled with kindness. 'The world's a scary place.'

I smile. 'Yeah, it is.'

She holds my face in her hands. Her warmth spreads slowly across my cheeks. She leans in and kisses my forehead.

'