Conversations with a cat, Vol. 1: Love

Conversations with a cat, Vol. 1: Love

It is a rainy mid-afternoon. I am in bed, reading a book. The door to my room is left slightly ajar. Tea walks into the room, leaps onto the bed, and curls up next to me.

D: Hey Tea. How are you.

T: purring I'm good.

A comfortable silence lasts a few moments. I have one hand on the book I'm reading, and one scratching Tea, behind her ears.

T: Dan..What's love?

D: slight confusion on his face. He puts the book down on the bedstand and looks at Tea. That's quite out of the blue. I guess I can answer that, but it's not a simple answer. Tea, why do you ask?

T: Yesterday you and Lily were telling each other how much you loved each other. 

D: A moment passes then a look of realisation appears on my face. Wait that was at night! In my bed! You weren't even in the room.

T: I have good ears.

D: awkwardly you didn't happen to hear anything else did you?

T: A lot of grunting and moaning. I wasn't sure what that was about either, but Coffee said you were probably watching a wildlife film. About gorillas or something.

D: awkward chuckle yeah... Coffee's one smart cat...

T: So what's love? 

D: It means different things for different people. 

T: Why is that?

D: Because humans are deeply complex and greatly affected by their experiences. And everyone has different experiences. It's like, a son can love his dad, but that son can also have a girlfriend he loves, but it's not the same type of love. And like, I love you, and Coffee, and Lily, but I also love pizza. Love can come in different forms.

T: What type of love do you have for Lily?

D: thinking hard I guess it's romantic love. 

T: What's a romantic love?

D: I guess it's something that's got its foundations in instinct. Like, physical attraction. If Lily was a boy I don't think I would love her in a romantic sort of way. But it's more than that. So much more. The physical thing is teeny-tiny. I love Lily for her mind and her heart. 

T: Is that what you call metaphor?

D: Of course silly. It means she's an amazing person. The way she talks to people. The way she wants to help others. How kind-hearted she is. And gentle. And caring. And I love her for those qualities.

T: Yeah she is... does that mean I love Lily too?

D: smiling I think it does.

T: But not romantically. So what type of love is that?

D: They call that platonic love. That's all about emotional intimacy. And romantic love is emotional intimacy plus physical intimacy.

T: after a pause how do you know you love Lily? 

D: You mean how did I decide?

T: Yeah. It's not like someone else told you to love her, right? 

D: Right. You know, I used to think love was all about responsibility. Like, the moment you know you want to be responsible for someone for the rest of your life, that's when you love them.

T: That's not it?

D: Not for me it isn't. Remember, love's different for everyone. And even within the same person, love and its meaning can change. 

T: So...

D: Love is the feeling of profound happiness, and deep trust. And when you feel those two feelings, that's when you know you love someone. And the physical intimacy part is easy enough to figure out I suppose.

T: But loads of people make me happy. Like the post man and the cats that live down the road, and even the people in the telly vision.

D: That's true Tea. But they make you happy in different amounts don't they?

T: I suppose so... 

D: Someone has to make you very very very happy for you to love them. 

T: But how happy is that?

D: There's no test. You can't go to a doctors and walk through a big machine thing that tells you if you're in love or not. But it's good that it isn't so easy. If it was simple like that, then love wouldn't be so magical. People wouldn't have died for love. Wars would've been waged with the mind, not the heart. It's cool to live in a world where there's magic, don't you think?

T: Yeah..Does that mean you can never be sure if you love someone?

D: Wow Tea that sounds really depressing... cautiously, and deep in thought The way you feel about someone. Like, the happiness and the trustfulness. You can't really control those things. It's like the weather, some people will make your days sunny and some people will make them cloudy.

T: Is this another metaphor?

D: Yeah it is. But not one of my better ones I'll be honest. Love is a feeling, and it's those two feelings combined, right? Well, most of the time people are aware of what their feelings are, but sometimes they're not. Like you can be walking in the street and the sun's out and the air feels nice and you're just lost in your own thoughts but then you suddenly realise how happy you feel. Do you ever get that?

T: Yeah! That happens lots and lots. So does that mean feelings are unconscious?

D: You mean subconscious. But you're right. Or at least, feelings are partly subconscious and partly conscious. So, what I'm saying is you can be in love without even realising it! But the decision to tell someone that you love them, that's obviously entirely conscious. When things are just inside your own head, all those swirling thoughts and emotions, maybe you can never be certain. But when you say to someone you love them, it makes it more real, it makes it certain. Does that make sense?

T: I think it does. What about deep trust? What's that?

D: Well, I guess this is how my meaning of love might be different to other people since trust is more important to me than happiness. Because lots of people make me feel uncomfortable. And part of that is because it's hard for me to trust people, especially with important stuff like emotions. Deep trust is... it's feeling entirely comfortable with someone. Like you can be yourself, you don't have to pretend to be interested in stuff that you aren't, and you don't have to pretend to be energetic when you're not. And it's also about not worrying that they could hurt you. It's about being totally vulnerable but not scared at all, because you trust them, you know. Lily knows all my secrets, and she knows that so much of my life is about her now. She could hurt me so much and so easily, but I know she would never. That's deep trust.

T: Wow. That sounds hard to figure out too. 

D: Yeah it is. It's hard to trust people. Even with Lily, in the beginning, I didn't trust her. But we're very similar people. We both love video games and being lazy. We're both cat people. Introverts. We have the same sense of humour. I guess that's why I can be myself when I'm with her. And that's a huge part in why I'm comfortable around her. 

T: But why are you so sure Lily won't hurt you?

D: Part of that is just through experience. Like, we've been together for 3 years now and she's never hurt me. But also we're both very sensitive people. I can tell she's got a kindness that not many other people have. That's something I was looking for for a very long time.

T: So love can be romantic or platonic. And it's all about feeling super duper happy with someone and also trusting them with everything. 

D: Exactly. That's my definition at least. And I know that all sounds super vague but love is like a cat. If you try to define it precisely, to trap it inside a cage, it loses it's magicalness, it's charm.

T: I like that metaphor a lot.

D: Quite pleased with it myself.

T: yawning love is super complicated then. And talking about it has made me hungry. Is it time for dinner yet.

D: checking the digital clock on the bedstand not yet, but I guess you deserve it. C'mon Tea, let's go.

T: still on the bed Oh one last thing. Don't humans marry the person they love?

D: Grinning Tea, wanna go ring shopping with me?